What Would ***** Do?

Last night I was playing Day of Defeat: Source and got a little bored, so I decided to spice things up by hopping onto one of the "Christian Soldiers" servers, which is always entertaining. Yes, there are actually "Christian" Day of Defeat servers, where Christian boys and girls and men and women (but mostly just boys) gather to pwn each other in the name of the Lord.

Anyway, the thing that's so entertaining to me about these types of servers is how friendly everyone is. It's such a weird contrast with the rest of the gaming world. I'm used to hearing prepubescent teenage boys scream things in voice chat like, "I JUST OWNED YOUR SORRY ASS, BITCH! SUCK IT DOWN MOTHERFUCKER!" But on these Christian servers everyone is all, "Oh wow, nice try man. You almost had me. No hard feelings! Praise the Lord!"

It's fucking WEIRD.

So anyway, sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to see how long it takes to piss off one of these Godly young men to the point where they actually start calling me names. Usually ten or fifteen minutes of blatant teamkilling will do the trick. Sometimes I can find a real hothead who's just faking the whole being nice thing, and all I have to do is punch him once or twice to make him start cursing up a storm. This time, though, I was having a really hard time getting violent reactions.

I started off slowly, with a few "accidental" grenade teamkills followed by "OOPS! SORRY!". Everyone was all, "No problem, man." So I started "accidentally" punching people in the head. One guy was like, "Hey, why are you punching me?" but nobody got angry. Finally I moved up to blatantly shooting my teammates point-blank in the face. This actually prompted someone to complain, but all I got was a warning from an admin. It was time to pull out the big guns.

I played it straight for a while and racked up an impressive score, then started throwing myself in front of my own team's machine guns and diving on teammates' grenades. Talk about an instant reaction. It turns out the best way to piss off a Christian gamer isn't to teamkill them, it's to get them to teamkill you. There was a glorious eruption of righteous indignation from my fellow Axis soldiers, some of them even managing to find ingenious ways of tricking the profanity filter. Then the server admin (who was on the Allied team) chimed in.

"Why are you killing yourself?" he asked.

"I'm protesting because ***** is on your side, and that makes the teams unfair!" I responded. I had tried to say "Jesus", but the server's profanity filter replaced our Lord's name with stars and warned me not to swear.

I got kicked pretty quickly after that.