Murder simulators

Jack Thompson sure is kicking up quite a fuss these days. It got me thinking. I’ve been playing these “murder simulators” for years, ever since I was an impressionable young lad. My fragile mind has no doubt been trained to kill cops on sight. So I thought it would be a good idea to review some statistics.

Fig 1: Violent crimes committed by Ryan Grove, frequent user of murder simulators since 1992:

Killed Maimed Beat w/baseball bat
Police officers 0 0 0
Politicians 0 0 0
Prostitutes 0 0 0
Lawyers 0 0 0
Teachers 0 0 0
Guinea hens 1* 0 0

* It was a horrible accident and I cried.

Obviously I have killed before and will most likely kill again. Perhaps some day I’ll even graduate from small ground-dwelling birds to large ground-dwelling birds, and perhaps eventually to tree-dwelling birds and then, well, the sky’s the limit. I’m sure I’ll be murdering police officers left and right by the time I’m 25.

If only I had been protected. If only someone had refused to buy me those awful murder simulators. If only someone had taught me the difference between real life and make-believe.

Oh, wait. Someone did teach me the difference between real life and make-believe. Nevermind.