Headlights: a beginner's guide

As the days grow shorter and the sunset tends to precede my evening drive home, I can't help but notice that roughly one in every five of my fellow highway commuters is—how shall I put it—an addlebrained fucktard.

This is a scientific fact which I know to be true because only an addlebrained fucktard would rocket down 101 at 85 miles per hour after dark with his headlights off. And yet, every evening, I observe so many examples of wanton fucktardery that I can only assume the state of California lacks the ability to properly educate its citizenry in the delicate art of headlight usage.

As a public service, then, please allow me to present this simple beginner's guide to using your fucking headlights.

Step 1: What is a headlight?

The following things are headlights:

Here are some things that are not headlights:

Step 2: Is it dark outside?

You can tell when it's dark outside because you won't be able to see the sun. Sun equals light. No sun equals dark. Dark equals use your fucking headlights.

Step 3: Do you like dying in car crashes?

If you like dying in car crashes, you can disregard the advice given in steps 1 and 2. Here's how to tell if you like dying in car crashes: stab yourself in the eyeball with a fish hook. Did you like that? If you did, then you'll probably like dying in car crashes.

Congratulations. Now you know how to use your fucking headlights.