Jack Thompson sure is kicking up quite a fuss these days. It got me thinking. I’ve been playing these “murder simulators” for years, ever since I was an impressionable young lad. My fragile mind has no doubt been trained to kill cops on sight. So I thought it would be a good idea to review some statistics.
Fig 1: Violent crimes committed by Ryan Grove, frequent user of murder simulators since 1992:
|
Killed |
Maimed |
Beat w/baseball bat |
| Police officers |
0 |
0 |
0 |
| Politicians |
0 |
0 |
0 |
| Prostitutes |
0 |
0 |
0 |
| Lawyers |
0 |
0 |
0 |
| Teachers |
0 |
0 |
0 |
| Guinea hens |
1* |
0 |
0 |
* It was a horrible accident and I cried.
Obviously I have killed before and will most likely kill again. Perhaps some day I’ll even graduate from small ground-dwelling birds to large ground-dwelling birds, and perhaps eventually to tree-dwelling birds and then, well, the sky’s the limit. I’m sure I’ll be murdering police officers left and right by the time I’m 25.
If only I had been protected. If only someone had refused to buy me those awful murder simulators. If only someone had taught me the difference between real life and make-believe.
Oh, wait. Someone did teach me the difference between real life and make-believe. Nevermind.