Movie theatres are deprecated

Dear movie theatres: You are obsolete. Please die.

Thanks to HD DVD and Blu-Ray, movies now look and sound better in my living room than they do in a theatre. And my living room has the benefit of being under my complete dictatorial control, so if a fat lady with flashing LED earrings sits in front of me and starts texting her girlfriends during the movie, I can kick her ass out, rewind the movie, and resume where I left off. Actually, I’d probably call the cops too because, seriously, WTF? But you get the point.

I can’t remember the last time I had a good moviegoing experience, and I have a pretty good memory. Nothing ruins a potentially good movie like a crappy sound system, a scratched-up screen, a dim projector bulb, a film reel that someone dropped on the floor and stomped on, or a blind projectionist who can’t be bothered to adjust the focus before the movie starts. Even when nothing goes wrong with the technical aspects of the moviegoing experience (which is rare these days), there always seems to be a fat lady with flashing LED earrings texting her girlfriends, or a crying baby, or two little old ladies who take turns asking each other what just happened or why he did that or who that guy was.

As if that wasn’t enough, movie studios routinely deface their own movies with anti-piracy graffiti. So on the rare occasions when the film hasn’t been stomped on, the screen isn’t scratched, the sound system rocks, the projectionist got the focus right, the fat lady has left to get more candy, and you’re finally beginning to enjoy the movie, you’re suddenly assaulted by flashes of ugly brown dots all over a pivotal scene.

But apparently even those scene-ruining shitdots aren’t enough to fight piracy, so now movie studios are hiring creepy old guys to film the audience.

So here’s the deal: I’m finished with movie theatres. Done. I will no longer pay to see movies in theatres, not even with friends, not even if they beg. If it’s free, then maybe I’ll consider it, but my money is staying in my pocket. I’m willing to wait a few months for something to come out on HD DVD or Blu-Ray so I can watch it in the privacy and comfort of my own home, on my own kickass entertainment system, without annoying morons, anti-piracy shitdots, or creepy privacy-invading old men ruining the experience.

Who’s with me?