If there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to do, it’s to make movies. I’ve loved movies ever since Mom first took me to see a rerelease of Snow White when I was a little kid. If you give me a stack of movies I’ve never seen and the time to watch them, I’ll watch them, no matter what other obligations I have at the moment. When I first started reading books, I would pretend that I was a director adapting the book into a movie. I’d sometimes reread sections several times while I imagined how I’d shoot the scene; where I’d put the camera, how I’d light it, how I’d do the special effects. I still do that, actually.
The problem is, despite my ambition to do this thing that I want to do, I think I may not really want to do it. Every time I’ve come close to actually putting a film together, I’ve been overwhelmed by how much work it takes and how difficult it is to actually shoot something without spending gobs of money and jumping through hoops to get permits and secure locations, not to mention finding actual actors and crew and equipment. Making movies is a surefire way to go bankrupt unless you’re one of the lucky few who not only create something exceptional but also get noticed doing it and possess the ability to do it again.
I’m not really sure I want to go to all that trouble. I have no desire to be a struggling artist. I like being secure in the knowledge that I’ll be able to pay my bills and buy food next month, and the month after that even. It would be easy to let go of my filmmaking ambition and just watch movies instead of making them. I wouldn’t mind that so much.