As the days grow shorter and the sunset tends to precede my evening drive home, I can't help but notice that roughly one in every five of my fellow highway commuters is—how shall I put it—an addlebrained fucktard.
This is a scientific fact which I know to be true because only an addlebrained fucktard would rocket down 101 at 85 miles per hour after dark with his headlights off. And yet, every evening, I observe so many examples of wanton fucktardery that I can only assume the state of California lacks the ability to properly educate its citizenry in the delicate art of headlight usage.
As a public service, then, please allow me to present this simple beginner's guide to using your fucking headlights.
Step 1: What is a headlight?
The following things are headlights:
- headlights
Here are some things that are not headlights:
- fog lights
- daytime running lights
- parking lights
- hazard lights
- brake lights
- your mom
Step 2: Is it dark outside?
You can tell when it's dark outside because you won't be able to see the sun. Sun equals light. No sun equals dark. Dark equals use your fucking headlights.
Step 3: Do you like dying in car crashes?
If you like dying in car crashes, you can disregard the advice given in steps 1 and 2. Here's how to tell if you like dying in car crashes: stab yourself in the eyeball with a fish hook. Did you like that? If you did, then you'll probably like dying in car crashes.
Congratulations. Now you know how to use your fucking headlights.
Comments
Step 3a
An addendum, if I may, for those who complete step 3:
Step 3a: STAY IN CALIFORNIA.
Stop discouraging darwinism!
If they use their headlights then they'll be less likely to die in a car crash and they'll wind up spreading their moronseed and having more moron-babies.
It's not just a good idea
It's the law.
As in many states, the law requires you to turn on your headlights 30 minutes after sunset. That's sunset not full dark.
Yeah, happens
Lots of people do this, absolute idiots... the worst by far though are the people that use their brights constantly, or have lifted trucks, ect without the proper headlight adjustments, or 150watt friggen FOG LAMPS on, projecting laser like beams of blinding automotive death into my eyes. Don't mind me, I consider most people on the roads idiots.
Massachuetts Addendum?
So, since we're on the topic of headlights, I have a question:
Does this just happen to Massholes like myself, or do the idiots in California who put their headlines on, leave them on WITH THEIR HIGH BEAMS ON?
I use my high beams when its dark during my commute. I go through some back woods-ish areas, little lighting, windy (but fun to drive) roads. When I see someone coming the opposite way high beams go off. It was just one of those things that I was brought up with.
All too often I'm blinded by idiots coming in the opposite direction who feel important enough to leave their high beams on. Leaving myself next-to-blind while driving 40-50MPH, causing me to rapidly slow down in case I somehow hit something/someone.
*sigh*
Does this happen in other places or have I found another reason to dislike the state I live in?
high beams
Yeah, it happens elsewhere. But it must be a particular problem in Mass. Check out this Boston Globe article.
Northern Virginia
Any and all exterior vehicle lighting is still a mystery to the teeming masses in the Washington DC metropolitan area.
Fortunately more vehicles are being made with automagic headlights (like my truck) which come on when ambient light drops below a certain point.
Still, that does nothing for Captain Foglight and his 150 watts of retina blazing halogen inferno left alight 24 hours a day.
I was once pulled over for having my foglights on (this was back in 1993 or so), the officer told me it was "excessive lighting" despite a. it being dark, and b. them being aimed more or less directly at the ground 25 feet in front of my car (I was living in Idaho at the time, and did a great deal of driving on twisty backwoods mountain roads, and the aux lights helped quite a bit).
Nowadays it is apparently OK to have Piaa 580 pencil beams aimed directly at the opposing lane.
Anyway, yeah, Cali definitely isn't alone when it comes to lighting idiocy. I live in a fairly well-lit urban area and it's not uncommon to see people driving around at 1-2am with absolutely no lights on whatsoever. You'd think they would at least notice the dark dashboard. Probably drunk.
annoying highbeams in cali
I recently moved to California and noticed that way too many drivers drive with their highbeams on constantly (seems to be about 1/5th on the highway). I never found this to be the case in Wisconsin (I think its because in WI ppl are used to driving on smaller highways where using highbeams on oncoming cars quickly becomes obviously dangerous and annoying). I wish the police would pull them over for this. Its quite dangerous and annoying. These arent back country highways, these are major highways through urban areas (the highways between SF and San Jose). Given that the highways are 4 lanes each direction, the problem isnt the cars coming from the other direction, but rather cars coming from behind. They just turn my side mirrors into blinding reflectors of their disrespectful beams of death. I slow down now, let them pass and flash my highbeams at all who do this to me now. Sometimes they turn them off, sometimes not…