In the nearly four years that wonko.com has existed, my inbox has been subjected to countless dumb press release-style messages from people who think that I will happily give them free publicity. I don’t think I’ve ever actually posted one of these things, but that doesn’t stop morons from sending them to me.

So I’ve decided to change my press release policy. If you send me unsolicited press releases that aren’t accompanied by free gadgetry, food, or cash, I will abuse you publicly. Today’s public abuse of a spammer has been brought to you by Marcus Xavier, from furryconflict.com.

From: Marcus Xavier <marcus@furryconflict.com>
To: ryan@wonko.com
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 16:34:25 -0800
Subject: Star Wars / Trek Fans Release Audio Theater

March 24 2004 (Los Angeles, Ca.)—Star Wars “fanfilms” aren’t the only things
obsessive Science Fiction fans are up to these days. On Wednesday, March 24th 2004, a
fan-run website called TrekWars: The Furry Conflict will publicly release its first
installment of fully scored, voiced and SFX-mixed pieces of Audio Theater, based on a
story made by a group of Star Wars and Star Trek fans.

Based on a similar concept to the original Star Wars Radio Dramas, released back in
1981 and played on National Public Radio, the project is the result of over a year of
work by many talented (both professional and aspiring) voice and sound artists. You
may know Star Trek, and you may know Star Wars, but you’ve never known them like this
before. The free download will be available on Wednesday from
audio.furryconflict.com.

This email infuriated me on several levels. First, it arrived while I was at work. I saw new mail in my inbox and my heart leapt joyously at the prospect of a distraction from the drudgery at hand, but alas, it was nothing but spam.

Second, what made Marcus think I would have the slightest interest in some kind of amateur radio show mixing Star Wars, Star Trek and— in case that wasn’t enough— furry anthropomorphic animals? I’m well aware that there are a lot of people who like this sort of thing, and that’s cool, but I associate furry talking animals with Disney movies and Saturday morning cartoons, not classic science fiction. It’s just not my bag. Plus, I fucking hated the goddamn Ewoks, and this whole furry Star Wars thing reminded me of them, causing me great emotional distress.

Third, this is my personal weblog. This is not WonkoSlice or Slashdot or some public discussion group. It’s a forum for my own personal thoughts and opinions. I don’t take submissions. What could possibly have made Marcus think I’d post his press release on my personal website? Sure, I like Star Wars and I like Star Trek, but I’ve never expressed any interest in furries or fan fiction. In fact, I can’t stand fan fiction, and as insensitive as this may sound, the idea of grown adults writing serious stories about furry Disneyish critters kinda gives me the creeps. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; I just don’t want to hear about it.

I sent the following simple and, I thought, relatively polite reply:

From: Ryan Grove <ryan@wonko.com>
To: Marcus Xavier <marcus@furryconflict.com>
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 16:39:05 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Star Wars / Trek Fans Release Audio Theater

On Mon, 22 Mar 2004, Marcus Xavier wrote:

[quoted message]

Don’t ever email me again. Never ever. I run a personal weblog, not a
press office. Thanks.

—
Ryan Grove
ryan@wonko.com
http://wonko.com/

Less than five minutes later, in complete ignorance of my request that he never ever email me again, Marcus replied:

From: Marcus Xavier <marcus@furryconflict.com>
To: Ryan Grove <ryan@wonko.com>
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 16:43:14 -0800
Subject: Re: Star Wars / Trek Fans Release Audio Theater

No need to be rude. Thanks.

“Egad!” I thought. Had I, by some horrible accident, been rude to a complete stranger who had sent me unsolicited email advertising his stupid website? I was overcome with feelings of self-loathing. After contemplating suicide for several minutes, I decided to throw myself on Mr. Xavier’s mercy:

From: Ryan Grove <ryan@wonko.com>
To: Marcus Xavier <marcus@furryconflict.com>
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 17:12:12 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Star Wars / Trek Fans Release Audio Theater

On Mon, 22 Mar 2004, Marcus Xavier wrote:

> No need to be rude. Thanks.

I am terribly sorry, Mr. Xavier. I assure you it won’t happen again. I
sincerely hope I have not caused you any undue stress or emotional
turmoil with my request that you not send me unsolicited press releases.

As a token of friendship, please allow me to send you a complimentary
bottle of Anal Eze™, the anal lubricant of choice among unsolicited
emailers worldwide. Just send me your mailing address and specify your
flavor preference (cherry or strawberry) and I’ll have your
complimentary bottle shipped overnight directly to your door.

By the way, in my previous email (the one in which I was so inexcusably
rude), I clearly and specifically stated my desire that you never email
me again. Obviously, this request must have slipped past you (you were
probably busy being shocked and confused by the stealthy subtextual
insults in which my request was shrouded). For the purposes of obtaining
your mailing address so that I can send you your complimentary bottle of
Anal Eze, I will alter my previous request as follows:

“Email me one more time with your mailing address so that I may send you
a bottle of anal lubricant. After that, do not email me ever again.
Never ever.”

—
Ryan Grove
ryan@wonko.com
http://wonko.com/

I was expecting another quick reply and was waiting eagerly to have Marcus’s lube shipped to him directly but, alas, the reply never came. Marcus, if you’re reading this, please, please send me your mailing address. I feel very badly about how I insulted you and I really do want you to have this complimentary bottle of ass lube. It’s the least I can do.