I was digging through some boxes looking for a backpack to use for a hiking trip tomorrow, and I came across my old ID badge from when I worked at McAfee.com a few years ago. Now, I’m hardly ignorant of the fact that I’ve gained a lot of weight over the years, but seeing something like this just rams the point home. The image on the left is from my ID badge, and was taken sometime in 1999, I believe. The image on the right was taken last week. If my estimate is correct, I gained 30 pounds in the interim.

I think it’s time to start working out. I guess when I was younger my body took whatever I threw at it and turned it into…well, poop I guess, because it’s not like I ever exercised. These days I suppose my body has grown tired of making poop and would rather make fat instead. If someone came up with a pill that would turn fat into poop, they could probably make millions.

Still, it seems so strange to me that my body would behave like this. If I had been in charge of designing people, this fat storage problem would have been caught in the first round of quality assurance testing. When you cobble something together from dust and hot air in a single day and then release it without so much as a beta period, you’re just asking for trouble. What’s the deal, God? You couldn’t have set aside a few days for debugging? Are you that lazy? If it was a matter of wanting to get everything done in a week, then for crying out loud just make the week longer. I mean, you’re God, right? Adding a few days to the week to help meet a deadline wouldn’t have been such a big deal. But no, now I have to be fat, just because of this crappy design flaw.

I say it’s my turn to design the next sentient life form, and I say that life form will be a lean, mean, stupendous badass of a killing machine. Actually, hell, screw biology, I say the next life form will be a robot, because everyone knows robots don’t get fat and they can kill you with their pinky fingers. I bet one badass robot could take on like six hundred ninjas with both arms tied behind its back and a tea cozy on its head, because robots have X-RAY VISION! Also I bet the tea cozy would confuse the ninjas.

This place would be so much cooler if I was God.